After the match

It doesn’t always happen this way, but sometimes, it does.

And this time, it has.

God and I wrestled over something. Before the wrestling match began, I knew He was right and that it might not be best for me, but I felt that stubborn streak in me one more time rearing its ugly head. So I decided to wrestle with Him. Just a little bit. Not as much as I have in the past. But enough. Enough for it to hurt.

I remember before it started, I was sitting on my porch one night in the dark watching lightning bugs and smelling the rain, and He very clearly said to me, “This will be the last time you do this.”

I knew what He meant. This would be the last time we’d (me and God) wrestle over this particular issue. I knew it, still struggled stubbornly a little with it for a little while, and then thank GOD for these steps I work and this program I choose to have as part of my life and these people in my life and this God in my life, but it didn’t take long for me to quietly and willingly lay it down and let it go and just walk away.

That’s not the old Bethany way of living life. The old Bethany way would have been to hang on to the death, if for no other reason than to prove that I could make anything work, and to prove that I could get whatever I wanted. Today I just want to be happy, joyous, and free. Today I want serenity in my life. Today I want what God wants for me. And I believe God wants all those wonderful  things for me. And those things don’t include wrestling day in and day out within myself or with God.

So we stopped the fight, and we sat on the porch together a few weeks ago or so, and we had a good cry and a good talk, and we let it go.

And then beautiful things started happening without any effort on my part.

I believe that when I opened my fist, and when I released everything I was holding onto, He was able to start filling it with everything He had for me.

This morning He woke me up an hour early and whispered all of this to me in words I don’t want to share with you. And we had a good cry about this together. And it’s going to be a very good day.

2 thoughts on “After the match

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