Tonight I was driving home after a very long day.
It wasn’t just today. It’s been a long few weeks. A long few months. A long year. Maybe a long decade and a half, let’s be honest.
Most of the time, I strive for optimism. Gratitude. Positivity. Polly Anna-ish-ness. Today I wasn’t feeling it. Today I was feeling worn out. I was feeling done. Spent. Tired. Tired of pretending like everything was going to be okay. Tired of hoping everything would be okay. Tired of believing against all odds that everything would be okay.
I stopped by the store, after this very draining day that didn’t go as planned, and bought a bottle of wine and headed home. I expected to sit at home and drink it–maybe not all of it (chuckling to self as I write this)–and perhaps feel a little sorry for myself. Listen to music. Or sit on my porch and watch the horses across the street in the field. Just be alone, be quiet, and let myself be. I just needed to forget all the stress surrounding me–finances, family mess, recent heartaches, work stuff–and just breathe. Be alone, and breathe.
God had other plans, and better ones. When I got home, my friends were there. Mowing my lawn. Their cute kids were watching a movie in my den and begging me to come watch it with them. After unwinding a little bit with their mom/my college pal, I did. Just what the Doctor ordered.
Funny how He knows what I need when I don’t. And provides it.
I may be too tired to acknowledge it with feelings to match right now, but I know somewhere inside of me that He will heal everything. And He will make everything okay. How do I know that? Because it’s who He is. It’s what He does. It’s what He’s always done for me. Every single time.
Just wheat: Only what matters 
Love each of you, and thanks for the reminders that you love me, too, and the encouragement :).
LikeLike
Keep that head held high….we may have a lot of trials and tribulations here on earth, but one day…..get this…..one day, we will no longer have any trials or tribulations- no tears, financial troubles, long stressful work days, fears, sadness, heartache or just plain sadness. One day, we will only have the good times. Keeping that in mind sure can get me through a lot of (for lack of a better word) CRAP! With all that you have been going through I am so glad that you have stayed true to Bethany 🙂
LikeLike
Love you Bethany! Thank you for holding on, believing, striving, and crying out even if it is not audible or without “real” tears! Your brokenness in this post is strangely beautiful!;}
Kelly
LikeLike
The journey is what its all about not the destination. I often forget to slow the roll and just let life be what it is. Most of the time I feel like I am missing the last bus to Graceland but the truth is nothing happens in this world by accident. We are exactly where we are suppose to be. Thanks for the post Bethany, the reminder to be a human being instead of a human doing is very timely!
LikeLike
I’m so grateful for you, Sarah. I love you. so glad we’re close (maybe not geographically, but you know…)
LikeLike
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again- you are so inspiring! 🙂 I’m so thankful to have you as a part of my life & as a sister! I just wish we were geographically closer so I could spend more time with you- xoxo Luv you!
LikeLike
I told Kelly tonight that oddly enough, despite the circumstances the past…. decade and a half?…. I couldn’t find any tears tonight. But reading your comment brought up some for me. I think that’s a good thing. Love you too :).
LikeLike
I cried reading this….and you’ll know why. Love you.
LikeLike